Gender Norms: From Birth to Adulthood – Shaping Our Children’s Future

By Amanda Foister OBE

The Gender Question

“Do you know what you’re having yet?”

It’s often the first question asked when someone announces a pregnancy. Not “How are you feeling?” or “What are you most excited about?” but a question that immediately begins the process of categorizing a human being who hasn’t even taken their first breath.

From that moment forward, a complex system of expectations, limitations, and opportunities begins to unfold—all based on a binary distinction that will influence nearly every aspect of that child’s development.

Gender Roles in Modern Society

Last month, I attended a major equestrian trade exhibition with two accomplished women—successful in their careers, excellent parents, and talented riders. Despite women comprising 98% of attendees and vendors, the expert demonstrations were predominantly delivered by male presenters. In one particular presentation, an experienced male instructor and his son spoke to the audience while two female riders demonstrated on horseback. The women weren’t given microphones because, as the male presenter joked, “he wouldn’t be able to get a word in.” The predominantly female audience laughed.

This small moment crystallizes a much larger pattern: spaces where women’s expertise is simultaneously evident and undervalued, often with women themselves participating in this devaluation through laughter or acceptance.

Gendered from the Start

This pattern doesn’t emerge in adulthood—it’s carefully constructed from our earliest moments:

• Pink or blue clothing that announces gender before a child can speak
• Different toys that develop distinct skill sets: construction and spatial reasoning toys for boys, nurturing and domestic toys for girls
• Language differences: “She’s so pretty” versus “He’s so strong”
• Risk assessment disparities: Boys encouraged to climb higher, girls cautioned more frequently
• Emotional expression boundaries: “Boys don’t cry” versus “Don’t be so loud/aggressive” for girls

Research consistently shows that adults interact differently with infants based solely on perceived gender, even when the actual gender of the child is different from what they’ve been told. This reveals how deeply ingrained these biases are—operating below our conscious awareness.

The Impact of Early Socialization

These early experiences create cognitive frameworks that persist into adulthood, manifesting as different behavioural patterns:

• Gendered feedback patterns: Girls receive praise primarily for neatness, appearance, and following instructions, while boys are commended for leadership, innovation, and risk-taking
• Behavioural expectation differences: Girls are socialized to prioritize cooperation, accommodation, and relationship maintenance over assertion
• Media representation: Even in contemporary children’s media, male characters dominate speaking roles and demonstrate greater agency and authority
• Risk assessment: Girls are more frequently cautioned about danger and discouraged from physical risk-taking, potentially establishing lower risk tolerance in professional contexts later

From a clinical standpoint, these early socialization patterns create neural pathways that become increasingly reinforced over time. When a young girl repeatedly hears cautions like “be careful” or “that’s not ladylike,” her brain forms associations between assertiveness and disapproval. When a boy is consistently told to “man up” or “don’t be a sissy,” he learns to suppress emotional vulnerability.

The Crisis of Purpose

An interesting phenomenon has emerged in recent decades: as women have rightfully gained more access to education, career opportunities, and financial independence, girls have acquired expanded purpose and direction. Young women today are encouraged to pursue education, careers, financial independence, AND maintain traditional caregiving roles if they choose.

Meanwhile, boys face a different challenge. The traditional male identity as provider and protector has not been replaced with an equally compelling alternative. As a male client expressed to me recently, my “traditional purpose of provider is defunct”—“I don’t know where if fit in” whilst not a defunct role it is no longer exclusively male. Yet society has been slow to offer new models of masculine purpose centered around emotional intelligence, caregiving, and collaborative rather than competitive achievement.

This creates what some researchers call a “purpose gap”:

• Girls are told: “You can be anything—a mother, a CEO, an astronaut, a caregiver”
• Boys are told: “Don’t be weak” without a clear positive identity to embrace

The statistics tell a concerning story:

• Boys are falling behind academically at all levels of education
• Young men are experiencing higher rates of social isolation
• Male suicide rates remain significantly higher than female rates
• Boys report more confusion about their role and purpose in society

Statistical Evidence of Persistent Inequality

Despite significant educational and workplace advancements, statistical evidence consistently highlights persistent gender disparities:

• Women occupy only 29% of senior management roles globally, with progress stalling in recent years
• In Fortune 500 companies, women hold just 8.8% of CEO positions despite comprising nearly half the workforce
• Even in female-dominated industries (healthcare, education, charity), leadership positions remain disproportionately male-occupied
• The “broken rung” phenomenon shows women are 30% less likely to be promoted from entry-level to first management positions

This data reflects not merely qualification gaps but systemic barriers and ingrained social patterns that create compounding disadvantages. The pattern observed at the equestrian exhibition—female majority participation with male authority presentation—mirrors broader professional landscapes where expertise and authority remain gender-coded.

Breaking the Cycle

As parents, educators, and therapists, we have the opportunity and responsibility to create a more balanced approach to raising children of all genders:

For Parents and Caregivers:

• Offer diverse toys and activities regardless of gender
• Use similar language when discussing achievements, appearance, and behaviour
• Encourage emotional expression and processing in all children
• Point out and discuss gender stereotypes when they appear in media
• Provide diverse role models across gender lines
• Model balanced behaviour and role-sharing in the home

For Educators:

• Audit classroom practices for unconscious gender bias
• Ensure equal speaking time and leadership opportunities
• Highlight diverse role models in curriculum materials
• Challenge “boys will be boys” and “girls should be nice” narratives
• Create opportunities for all children to develop caregiving AND independent skills

For Organisations:

• Implement transparent promotion criteria based on measurable achievements
• Create leadership development programs addressing gender-specific challenges
• Establish regular gender representation audits with associated accountability measures
• Adjust recruitment language to eliminate gender-coded terms
• Ensure visible leadership representations across genders

Creating a New Narrative

The work of transforming gender norms requires conscious effort across multiple domains:

1. Acknowledge the existing patterns: We can’t change what we don’t recognize
2. Understand the developmental impact: These aren’t just social customs but formative experiences that shape neural development
3. Create new models: Children need to see diverse possibilities for who they can become
4. Focus on human potential: Move toward a model based on individual strengths rather than gender expectations

What might this look like in practice? Imagine a world where:

• Children’s activities are organised by interest rather than gender
• Emotional intelligence is valued equally with academic achievement for all genders
• Caregiving skills are taught explicitly to everyone
• Success is measured by contribution rather than competition
• All children are encouraged to develop a full range of capabilities

Moving Forward Together

Perhaps the most important insight is that gender equality isn’t a zero-sum game. When we limit girls’ opportunities, we lose half our talent pool. When we constrain boys’ emotional development, we create adults with limited relationship capabilities. When we define people primarily by gender, we miss the complex individuals beneath these categories.

Our children deserve better. They deserve the chance to develop as complete human beings, not as representatives of gender categories. They deserve to be valued for their unique combination of strengths, not measured against arbitrary gender standards.

The first step is awareness—noticing our own assumptions and biases. The next step is action—deliberately creating environments where all children can thrive without artificial gender constraints.

By challenging the limitations we place on children from birth, we create the potential for healthier, more fulfilled adults capable of authentic connection and contribution. And isn’t that what we truly want for all our children?

Take Action Today

• Notice gendered language in your own communication
• Challenge a gender stereotype when you encounter it
• Support organisations working toward gender equality
• Share your own experiences of breaking free from limiting gender norms
• Consider how you might create more gender-inclusive spaces in your own sphere of influence

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Amanda Foister is a therapist specialising in helping clients navigate gender expectations and identity development. For more information or to schedule a consultation, please visit Sisu Therapy.