By Amanda Foister
Change is the only constant in our lives, yet our ability to navigate transitions varies significantly based on our personal history, emotional resources, and social context. As both a therapist and a mother, I’ve experienced firsthand how life’s major transitions can transform our identity, social roles, and emotional landscape.
The Dance of Change
In my own life, two major transitions stand out: becoming a single parent to two daughters and later adapting to an empty nest when they departed for their adult lives. These experiences taught me that meaningful change involves three distinct phases:
- Endings – letting go of old identities and familiar patterns
- The Neutral Zone – a confusing but creative limbo where we’re between identities
- New Beginnings – embracing fresh possibilities and reconstructing our sense of self
Becoming a Single Parent: When Everything Changes
When I became a single parent, every aspect of my life transformed. Decisions that once centered on my own needs now revolved entirely around my daughters’ wellbeing. My daily routines, professional choices, and social connections all shifted dramatically.
Looking back, I can see how I focused intensely on practical problem-solving—managing schedules, finances, and childcare arrangements—while neglecting my own emotional needs. As I wrote in my journal at the time, “I no longer had any time for myself… and in that process forgot to consider my own needs and wants.”
This experience taught me that significant transitions involve what psychologists call “ambiguous loss”—being physically present but psychologically disconnected from aspects of our former selves. While I gained meaningful relationships with my daughters, I simultaneously lost connection with parts of my previous identity.
The Empty Nest: Learning to Let Go
Years later, when my daughters left home, I faced another profound transition. This change reversed many aspects of the first:
- From constant caregiving to minimal daily parenting responsibilities
- From structured routines to unstructured time
- From clear purpose (raising children) to a more ambiguous sense of purpose
- From limited personal freedom to expanded autonomy
This transition left me feeling “alone and bereft,” struggling to reconstruct an identity that had been subsumed by motherhood. I discovered a paradox in my parenting: “When my daughters were small, I gave them freedom to learn and grow independently. Yet when they entered adulthood, I found myself rushing in to solve their problems, desperate to be needed.”
This insight highlights the psychological complexity of the empty nest transition, where our logical understanding of appropriate boundaries conflicts with our emotional resistance to role loss.
Finding Meaning Through Change
A pivotal moment in reconstructing my identity came through an unexpected experience—getting matching tattoos with my daughters. What began with my resistance to my daughter’s choice ended with all of us sharing matching symbols. This experience taught me that “our bodies, our choices, and our lives are our own to shape.”
The tattoo became a symbolic marker in my journey—representing my transition from controlling parent to respectful witness of my adult children’s autonomy. This process of meaning-making helped transform what could have been experienced solely as loss into an opportunity for relationship redefinition and personal growth.
What Influences Our Experience of Change?
Several factors shape how we navigate transitions:
Our Perception of Choice
When we feel we have a choice in a transition, we typically adapt more successfully. While becoming a single parent involved limited choice about the fundamental change, I exercised agency in how I responded to the situation.
Conversely, the empty nest transition, while emotionally challenging, represented a normal developmental stage that I could anticipate. Yet my intense focus on caregiving limited my preparation for this inevitable change.
How We Exercise Personal Responsibility
Different transitions require different expressions of responsibility. During active parenting, I sacrificed personal needs for my children’s welfare. In the empty nest phase, responsibility shifted toward reclaiming self-care and rediscovering personal identity.
As I reflected while watching my own daughter navigate parenthood: “As a grandmother watching the next generation unfold, I’m learning that true progress often begins with letting go of our own preconceptions. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is step back and trust in the wisdom of those who follow.”
Our Past Experiences of Change
How we’ve handled previous transitions significantly influences our approach to new changes. Having developed an identity heavily centered on motherhood, I experienced resistance to changes that threatened this established role. When my daughters began establishing independence, I intensified efforts to maintain my caregiving role, potentially complicating the transition.
What This Means for Managing Your Own Transitions
Whether you’re facing parenthood, career changes, relationship shifts, or any of life’s many transitions, these insights might help:
- Acknowledge both practical AND emotional dimensions of change. While managing logistics is important, don’t neglect the emotional processing required.
- Recognize ambivalence as normal. It’s natural to simultaneously want to hold on and let go during transitions.
- Create meaningful rituals that mark important life changes. These symbolic acts help us integrate our experiences and move forward.
- Seek support rather than isolation. Major transitions often cause support systems to contract just when we need them most.
- Practice self-compassion during the “neutral zone” between identities. This uncomfortable space is where creativity and new possibilities emerge.
- Look for opportunities to construct new meaning that honors both your past and your emerging future.
The truth is, our capacity for change grows with each transition we navigate. As I’ve learned, “true progress often begins with letting go of our own preconceptions. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is step back and trust” in the process of change itself.
Amanda Foister is a therapist specialising in helping clients navigate life transitions. Her approach combines professional training with personal insights gained through her own journey of change and growth.
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