A Grandmother’s Reflections on Parenting Patterns

As a people-watcher, I’ve always found comfort in observing human behaviour patterns—much like watching ants or bees go about their daily routines. These patterns can be both revealing and, sometimes, concerning. Now, as a grandmother watching my own daughter navigate parenthood with remarkable thoughtfulness, I’ve begun to notice how my generation often inadvertently stands in the way of progress.

The Mother-Child Dynamic: An Unexpected Pattern

During my years working in outdoor education, my office window became an observation post for an intriguing phenomenon. The scene would play out repeatedly during residential programme pickups: girls clustered together, plaiting hair and chattering, whilst boys scattered about, engaged in physical play. But it wasn’t the children’s behaviour that caught my attention—it was the parents’.

Mothers of sons would arrive precisely on time, sometimes earlier. They’d sweep in, claim their boys with a touch or word, and carry their bags to the car, often commenting about unopened soap or impending laundry loads. In contrast, mothers of daughters would arrive later, standing at a distance, expecting their girls to gather their belongings and make their way over.

This pattern extended beyond pickup times. During stays, mothers would call to check on their sons far more frequently than daughters. Boys’ dietary preferences were treated as medical necessities, whilst girls’ were simply preferences. It raised a question that has haunted me since: Are we unconsciously creating the very behaviours in men that women often critique?

The Theories Behind Our Actions

After years of research and observation, I’ve identified several possible explanations for this behavioural pattern:

1. The Warrior Theory: Historically, men were our defenders, our risk-takers. Did this make them more precious, requiring extra nurturing?
2. The Guilt Factor: A mother and daughter share a unique bond—like Russian nesting dolls, each containing generations of feminine experience. Could our extra attention to sons stem from an unconscious guilt about this deeper connection to our daughters?
3. The Patient Perspective: Do we inadvertently treat our sons as if they need more support because we perceive them as emotionally less equipped? Are we creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?
4. The Beast Theory: Could our nurturing of sons be an instinctive response to make ourselves invaluable to them, stemming from a deep-seated awareness of male-female power dynamics?

Breaking the Cycle

As I watch my granddaughter grow, I see how these patterns persist even in our “enlightened” times. Recently, at a children’s sports day, I witnessed a staff member automatically directing boys to football and girls to colouring. These seemingly innocent divisions plant early seeds of gender restriction.

Our challenge isn’t just about raising children differently—it’s about recognising and breaking free from our own ingrained patterns. We need to question why clothing departments are divided by gender rather than style, why we rush to know a baby’s gender, and why we still cling to rigid naming conventions.

Learning to Let Go

Perhaps the most difficult lesson I’ve learned as a parent and grandparent is the art of letting go. When my daughters were small, I gave them freedom to learn and grow independently. Yet when they entered adulthood, I found myself rushing in to solve their problems, desperate to be needed.

The truth is, our children need us to step back just as much as they needed us to step up when they were young. They need space to make mistakes, to learn from failure, and to build their own resilience. This isn’t abandonment—it’s trust in the foundation we’ve built.

My journey to acceptance was symbolised by a family tattoo—a story that began with my resistance to my daughter’s choice and ended with all of us sharing matching symbols. It taught me that our bodies, our choices, and our lives are our own to shape.

Moving Forward

As we look to the future, our task is clear: we must work toward a gender-less society that celebrates differences whilst ensuring equal opportunities. This doesn’t mean denying biological differences—it means questioning and dismantling the artificial barriers we’ve created.

The next generation deserves to grow up unburdened by the weight of gender expectations. Whether they prefer football or colouring, dresses or trousers, their choices should reflect their authentic selves, not societal prescriptions.

As a grandmother watching the next generation unfold, I’m learning that true progress often begins with letting go of our own preconceptions. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is step back and trust in the wisdom of those who follow.

All life transitions can be unsettling. Becoming a parent, children leaving home, retirement and bereavement are life stages that can be challenging to adjust to, in particular discovering who you are when facing different responsibilities. We can support you through times of change and ensure you are making the most of your new life stage.

Amanda Foister OBE: November 2024